


A Possible Hero behind the Warrior

by FireandIce128



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Friendship/Love, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 05:12:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14395020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireandIce128/pseuds/FireandIce128
Summary: He was the only one who called Reiner a hero. Oh how he misses him so much.





	A Possible Hero behind the Warrior

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! It has been a long while since I have written a fanfic. Also, this is my first time writing on Ao3.  
> I ship Reibert, and I rarely see any Reibert fics under the AoT fandom where Reiner and Bertholdt are the main characters, so here I am participating in showing more of this ship.  
> Also, I really like to thank bipabrena, an amazing author here on Ao3 who motivated me to write a fanfic again. (Seriously, if anyone wants to read some amazing Reibert fics, definitely go to her for some!)  
> I'll be starting dental school soon, so it's relieving to get some writing out there before graduate studies take over my life. xP
> 
> Anyways, again, it's been awhile since I wrote fanfic, so go easy on me! xD I know I'm not as skillful as many writers here on Ao3 who are just super. Regardless, I hope you guys enjoy.
> 
> *If you are an anime watcher only and not a manga reader for Attack on Titan, there are heavy spoilers. Up to you if you want to read.*  
> I'm one of those who spells Bertholdt's name the same way like in the anime rather than the manga.

He felt a cold shiver run down his spine while aiming the rifle in his mouth. Why can’t he just pull the trigger already? End it right here. Simple as that. He’s back home now. He doesn’t want to be a warrior anymore. There’s no more drive.  There’s no more purpose.

Especially when _he’s_ not around anymore.

Reiner remembered when they had a mission. There was a purpose to live when he had a goal to achieve. Of course, what made it worthwhile was when _he_ cheered him on. _He_ always had something positive to say whenever times are stressful. _He_ gave hope when the future seemed worthless. Whenever Reiner wanted to give up, _he_ was the one that edged him on.

Over time, Reiner learned life wasn’t fair. Life just wanted to kick him in the face at any time. What was right? What was wrong? How does his mission progress? What’s his true goal anymore?

But regardless of all that, life was worthwhile when _he_ was by his side.

Reiner misses Bertholdt dearly.

Life is still as complicating as it has always been, but far more painful this time. It’s even worse now that Bertholdt isn’t by his side anymore.

* * *

 

“Soon, we’ll be home. Just like you said.”

Bertholdt told Reiner while tending to the wound on his arm. To Reiner, there was no voice as comforting as Bertholdt’s. His soft, mellow tone was as calming as it was reassuring. Everyone was asleep, and the two were alone in the one bedroom that was distant from the others. Reiner was sitting on the bed, while Bertholdt was standing, a small table of medical supplies to the side of him to help treat Reiner’s injury.

He knows he would have been killed if it wasn’t for Bertholdt. Had Bertholdt not come to his rescue while Reiner was barricading the door from a titan, Reiner was sure he would have ironically been titan food. He remembers how relieving it was to hear Bertholdt call his name that time when he thought it was his end, and the only thing he had to worry about was that Bertholdt will be fine.

“Remember Reiner, we’re warriors.”

Despite the assuring words, Reiner couldn’t find himself to be as resilient as he once was.  When he broke beyond the walls, he had one mission only. No matter what, he vowed to complete that mission, especially after all the hardships he had been through.  All the years of training, crying, struggling, worrying and doubting has all led to this. He was now finally in enemy territory.

Little did he know that he would actually become close with people in this territory. People that are supposed to be considered the enemy became some of the closest friends he ever had, especially since he never grew up making friends naturally. People like Eren, Armin and Conny look up to him so much, and he would never expected to put himself in harm’s way for them.

And that’s when the confusion began. After all of these long years living in a different setting, everything Reiner had ever did has led him to question what was the true purpose of his mission. Who is the real enemy here? How many people had he killed when his mission progressed beyond the wall? Was it even justified?

“Bertholdt……”

“Hmmm?”

His voice was yet again another remedy to Reiner, the way he responded so delicately to the soft call of his name.

“Do you know what our mission is anymore?” Reiner asked carefully.

Bertholdt slowly halted when patching the wound on his arm, his right hand on the patch while his left hand slowly moved up to Reiner’s shoulder. Reiner could only hope that the tingling sensation he felt was not too obvious.

“What do you think, Reiner?”

A stern question thrown back for him to answer, in a way that’s not threatening at all. Yet, probably the hardest question he’ll ever have to answer. There’s only one answer he knows of course.

“I don’t know.”

After a brief pause that felt like hours, Bertholdt went back to treating Reiner’s arm.

“What do you think your purpose is, Reiner?” He asked him more specifically this time.

Reiner took a small breath, letting himself feel the comfort of having someone like Bertholdt tending to his wound, while not really having the best answer to his second question.

“Bertholdt, I…..” Reiner took another pause, while Bertholdt patiently waited for his answer. “I don’t know who I am anymore, Bertholdt.”

Just like the prior question, there was another short period of silence, but Bertholdt didn’t halt when working carefully on finishing up the patch on Reiner’s arm. It’s as if Bertholdt had already known how Reiner felt, or at least knew something was changing. Of course, it makes sense. Bertholdt has been with Reiner since the beginning of the mission. Even when they were initially a team of four, Bertholdt has seen Reiner changed ever since they lost Marcel, yet he never refused to stand by his side.

Ever since they joined the Training Corps, Reiner and Bertholdt were like the most inseparable partners. Whatever job they had to do or any task that had to be done, they were always in it together. Anyone back at the Training Corps and even the Survey Corps would have probably attested that it was a rarity for Reiner and Bertholdt to not be by each other’s side.

“You know who I think you are, Reiner?” Bertholdt spoke to him softly.

Reiner looked up to meet Bertholdt’s gaze. The radiance in the taller boy’s eyes was so captivating that Reiner can just get lost in them, and he certainly wouldn’t mind. The way his smile curved just the slightest on his tan, olive skin was something that Reiner can look at for an eternity, and his heart would always skip a beat.

“A hero,” Bertholdt told him simply.

Reiner was shocked. With all the things he had done, by himself or with Bertholdt and Annie, why is he considered a hero?

“You know why?” Bertholdt asked, pressing the topic further after most likely noticing the confused expression on Reiner’s face. “I remembered when you told me you wanted to become a Marleyan so that you and your mom and dad can become a family again.”

Reiner recalled, he remembered that day all too well.

“I was confused,” Bertholdt continued, “Out of everyone who chose to join the Warrior Unit, your reason for joining surprised me the most. You thought about making your family happy, which was noble of you as much as it was heroic. Yet, the thing that impressed me was that you always kept trying. You had a reason different from anyone else, and you were never a quitter.”

Intrigued by what Bertholdt was telling him, Reiner kept his focus one hundred percent on him. His ears were fully open while his eyes bore into Bertholdt’s, keen on hearing more.

“You never gave up Reiner,” Bertholdt told him delicately, that small smile still yet to diminish from his face. “No matter how hard things get, no matter who tried to shatter your aspirations, you never stopped trying. You always pushed through.”

For the first time in awhile, Reiner started to smile, and it wasn’t a fake one this time. As a matter of fact, it was completely genuine.

Suddenly, he was alarmed when he noticed a slight change in Bertholdt’s expression.

“Bertholdt, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Berthold answered, seeming embarrassed like he got caught wandering off. “It’s just… I haven’t seen you smile like that before.”

Reiner smiled again, “Don’t I smile a lot though?”

“Of course,” Bertholdt chuckled slightly, “I just, haven’t seen you smile like _this_ before. It’s really great to see.”

Then, Reiner noticed a small blush on Bertholdt’s cheek as his eyes shifted away a little, the smile on his face still maintaining. Yet again did Reiner’s heart skip a beat.  Since his cheeks were feeling quite warm, he hopes his own blush wasn’t too obvious as well. 

“Bertholdt,” Reiner called his name quietly after the warm sensation he felt dwindled a little. “Do you really think I’m a hero? After all I’ve done? After all _we’ve_ done?”

The smile fell off Bertholdt’s face, but his mood still stayed same. “Like you, I don’t know what our mission is anymore.”

It wasn’t all that surprising hearing that from Bertholdt, especially given how many of their supposed “enemies” have shown Bertholdt tons of respect the same way they did towards Reiner.

“But we’re already this far,” Bertholdt pressed on, “Even though things have been confusing as much as it has been painful, all I want to do is just finish this mission so I can be at home again.”

Bertholdt finally finished the last thread on Reiner’s patch. Putting the utensils back on the small table, he sat on the bed next to Reiner, while Reiner scooted over to allow him to sit comfortably.

“And I’ve seen all you have done,” Bertholdt continued, his eyes fixed on Reiner. “Your determination moved at a pace I have never seen in my life. I’ve seen you go through so much, and I can’t help but worry for you. Yet, you still move on, and because of your personality, look at all those who come to you. Look at all those in the corps who respect you. Eren, Armin, Conny, Sasha, Ymir, Krista, Jean, and maybe even Mikasa, they all do.”

Reiner wanted to feel prideful, but he couldn’t because of all the guilt he felt. Indeed, he had gained the trust of many, with some even referring to him as a big brother. But how was he even worthy of that title? Especially given all he had done.

“But Bertholdt….” Reiner spoke sadly, his voice quivering. “How do I deserve any of their appreciation? Look at all I’ve done? Look at all _you and I_ have done.”

Bertholdt looked at the floor, taking a deep breath before placing his hand on Reiner’s broad shoulder. “I know Reiner, but as much as it hates me to admit it, it’s all part of the mission. As much as it pains me to have to betray the friends we made, I just want to be home again.”

Reiner started to notice the solemn look on Bertholdt’s face as well. It’s like he wanted to cry too.

“All the friends we made,” Bertholdt spoke morosely, “I hate that we’re going to betray them one day. I hate that they didn’t know what we did. Above all, I hate that they are suppose to be the _enemy_.”

 Never before has Reiner seen Bertholdt display such emotions, especially given his usually calming nature, but Reiner can’t help but feel slightly comforted that Bertholdt was sure enough to share these feelings with him. Especially since Reiner feels the same way.

“But I can’t wait to be home again,” Bertholdt told him, his hand on Reiner’s shoulder a little more firm this time, “I can’t wait until we’re away from all this. I can’t wait until I’m home, with _you_.”

Reiner eyes locked on Bertholdt’s. He was speechless, either because Bertholdt’s last statement caught him off guard, or he was lost in his eyes again.

“Reiner, despite all that’s been going on, you still never gave up.” Bertholdt’s soft smile came back as he said that. “Seeing you push forward is what makes me refuse to quit. Even though you don’t see yourself as a hero, you’re _my_ hero.”

It was like his heart stopped this time rather than skipping a beat. In all of his years of living, only Bertholdt was the one person that can make him feel this way. He’ll always remember the day when he told Bertholdt how he wanted to become a warrior to make his family whole again. That was right after Porco Galliard belittled him, knocking him to the ground and kicking him in the dirt. That was back when he was a small, defenseless boy.

When he was crying on the ground that day, that was when he heard the nice, gentle voice speaking to him. _“Get up, Reiner.”_ He looked up, and there he was. That was when his feelings for Bertholdt begun. He’ll never forget that day, just like how he’ll never forget Bertholdt right now calling him a hero.

Reiner slowly brought up his hand to Bertholdt’s cheek, his thumb massaging it softly. What warmed his heart even more was seeing Bertholdt relax in his touch, looking as calm as ever while he closed his eyes and put his hand on Reiner’s, not wanting him to let go. In a time that’s hard to be happy, Reiner wouldn’t mind living that life as long as he can see Bertholdt like this.

The moment Bertholdt slowly opened his eyes, with his gaze looking ever so blissful, Reiner leaned in. Bertholdt’s eyes focused on his lips, as if it was an invitation for Reiner to lean closer.

And their lips met. A small kiss was intended, but they couldn’t separate from each other. The pace went faster as the kiss went longer. Both young men gripped their hands tighter while one’s arm was around the other’s shoulder. It wasn’t just any casual romantic kiss. No, it was a kiss that showed how much they meant to each other. A kiss that showed that even when the future is bleak, even when life seems like one big lie, at least their living it together.

They have each other, and that’s all that matters.

Finally, their kiss came to a halt so that they each can breathe a little, their foreheads refusing to separate.

“We’re both warriors,” Bertholdt said, “But you’re my hero, Reiner.”

_That is so wrong,_ Reiner thought to himself. **_You’re_** _my hero, Bertholdt._

“Bertholdt,” Reiner spoke silently with his hand caressing the back of Bertholdt’s neck, “We’re going home, and you’re going to be there with me.”

Bertholdt gave that warm smile again, and Reiner brought his lips back to his. Even during these stressful times, if someone were to tell him that Reiner gets to spend the rest of his mission being alongside Bertholdt, he certainly wouldn’t mind it.

They both slept on that same bed that night.

* * *

 

Tears leaked out of his eyes like a river. His finger was on the trigger.

_Pull. Pull. Pull. Pull. PULL!_

Life isn’t the same without Bertholdt. He feels more conflicted than ever. Now that he’s back home, things haven’t changed. As of a matter of fact, his feelings have gotten worse. The whole trip to Paradis has traumatized him, and Bertholdt’s not here to bring him back to reality anymore. He has no one to vent too, no one to share his feelings, and no one to contemplate with on what’s right or wrong anymore.

He hates life so much. Why can’t he had died alongside Bertholdt? He never got the chance to say he loved him. Now, he’s just living this atrocity of a life by himself, sulking over all the sins he was subliminally forced to commit.

And that is why he must pull the trigger now.

…..

Suddenly, he heard banging outside his room, followed by a young voice.

“Shit…. I can’t do it, like this…”

He recognized that timid voice. When he looked out the window, he saw Falco. The little boy looked dismayed as he was walking away. Indeed, he was struggling with something. Coincidentally, the boy reminded Reiner of himself.

That’s right, he still has to focus on taking care of the young ones now that he’s back at home. He has his little cousin Gabi to look after, and is aiding a determined boy like Falco in saving Gabi’s life from the lifestyle Reiner himself had lived.

Even though he had lost the will to live, he still has others relying on him. He’ll still work hard to fulfill his duties, especially since Bertholdt would have wanted him too. Someday, his death will come soon, and Reiner can only hope that day comes fast.

If there is a god, will he or she punish him or forgive his sins? Or will he see the devil, if there is one? Is there a heaven or hell? No matter what, he just wants to believe that there is something after death.

Because if that’s the case, he might see Bertholdt again. All he wants to do is just see that smile again.

There was so much he wanted to do with Bertholdt, so much he wanted to say to him, but he didn’t get the chance. Reiner took a deep breath and forced himself to wipe the tears out of his eyes before they start to pour out again.

At least he got to kiss him. Reiner could only hope that Bertholdt knew how he felt.

**Author's Note:**

> Any of you who took the time to read this, kudos, comments, and even constructive criticism will be gladly appreciated! 
> 
> And as a message from this oneshot, always tell your loved ones how you feel whenever you have the chance(s). =D Thanks for reading guys!


End file.
